On Track

I'm happy to report that I'm on track. Something has clicked in my brain and I've made some changes. It probably started when my BF told me she has lost weight and is in her 120's now. We were always the same weight growing up and knowing that I have a good 40 pounds on her makes me sick. She told me this Friday and instead of going home and eating myself into oblivion, I went to the gym and did some hard core cardio. It felt great. I woke up and did an hour of Yoga at the gym the next day followed by another hour of cardio. I'm eating only about 1/4 or less of what I was eating. It's probably not healthy to starve yourself, but I'm almost back on the 150's so I'm not stopping. I told my husband that my goal is to become anorexic. Yes, I'm being sarcastic but what I really mean is that food is not #1 anymore. Food is my mortal enemy. Food is what got me in the shape I'm in today and I will NO longer let it rule my life. With a little help from my diet pills, I'm eating so much less and making sure that I am in the gym for at least an hour every day. Sunday will be my day off-but portion control will still be present. Next time I write in this blog, I'll be at least 159 and dropping. I'm in charge now! My BF will be here to visit in one month, by then my goal is to drop 10 pounds. That's reasonable and I know I can do it!

Starting over, again.

So I have been off track for a while, a long while. It started with my trip to my GI doctor about my heartburn. I told him about the trouble my dad was having with polyps in his colon and since I have a similar history, he wanted me to have a repeat colonoscopy done in two weeks. I had one four years ago and three polyps removed, one pre-cancerous. I also mentioned my mother's issues with GURD and that her brother, my uncle, was in remission from Esophogal Cancer. So, lucky me- I got to have an Endoscopy too! I had all that done a week ago. In preperation for the procedures I had to quit taking all medication, especially my beloved diet pills. Today is my first day back on them. If you are interested in my results, yes, I had three more good sized polyps in my colon that were removed and sent to a lab. My doc was surprised I had those in the few years since my last colonoscopy so I have to have another one in a year. Yay me! Okay, enough about my colon.

The day after my procedure, it snowed like freaking crazy in Texas. We got the most snow of my lifetime, a record setting 12-13 inches! It was great and I had so much fun playing with the kids in that. I also used this as an excuse to not go to the gym. That's a good one, right? So I vowed that this week I would get back on track! On Monday we had to take my son in for lab work due to his ADHD meds so I worked through lunch and had a helluva day and did not work out that night. Bad me. Yesterday I went to my doctor's office on my lunch break and had my thyroid tested. A part of me REALLY wants to have a jacked up thyroid. It would explain the weight gain and how freaking hard it is to get it OFF! I mean, I think I really dedicate myself and try so hard for such minimal results. I also need to remind myself that I eat like a pig. Still, I don't think I eat enough to be as fat as I am. It's really disturbing but summer is rapidly approaching and the though of a swim suit makes me ill. I have been fat now for 7 years and I have really had it! I'm considering trying out Nutrisystem or Jenny Craig. My problem is eating... I'm addicted. I even bought this nice book called "Skinny Thinking" to see I could get to the bottom of my eating issues but I can't get through it. Any self help book just makes me tired and bored. I cannot for the life of me read one. I love to read, I'm constantly reading but it has to be fiction or a biography or something. Side note: I'm considering writing my first novel!

So... I had this dream last night that I was running away with a hot guy from high school. I was doing it rigth in front of my husband and I was really scared of him but I didn't care, I just wanted to be in love again. I saw my dead father in law in my dream and I asked him if he had any regrets about getting a divorce from his wife and he said "I have no regrets" and then I asked him if he'd take care of Jeremiah and he said he would. Craziness, huh? Deep thoughts! In my messed up head, I do not feel that I deserve any kind of love becuase I am fat. In my head, I will only achieve love and happiness when I am skinny again. You'd think that would be enough motivation for me to lose weight but instead I fail at my diet and then persecute myself over and over. It's an endless cycle. This is my life and it sucks right now. If I really wanted to get to the bottom of my eating issues, I would say its because I'm deeply unhappy with myself and my marriage. But what to do to fix that? I've left my husband twice now and the thought of doing it again is emotionally exhausting. I harbor too much guilt from my parents divorce to do it myself. I feel sorry for my husband becuase he has no one. It's another endless cycle... I stay in this marriage and I'm so sad and lonely but I won't do anything to make myself happy. I saw a great therapist once that said I just have to pick up my own life and do whatever makes me happy whether it makes my husband happy or not. He said if I get my life together and start moving forward my husband will have no choice but to join me or fall away. It's good advice, I just need to take it.

Today is Tuesday but it's my Monday.

I stayed home yesterday with my little girl- who has a cold. I did go to Yoga last night though. I convinced Kasi to re-join my gym so she went with me! I'm super excited to have a Yoga buddy now. We went and worked out Friday too and then Saturday I got up and did my 5k! I am really proud of myself. I did it in less than 40 minutes! That's good for someone like me,and becuase I haven't done a 5k in a long, long time. I felt so great afterwards! As the day went on, I started feeling like crap. I've been pretty tired ever since but I don't regret it a bit.

Tomorrow Jeremiah is picking up the kids so I can go straight from work to a 6pm Yoga Class. The guy at the gym on Friday night was telling us how freaking awesome the teacher is that comes in on Wednesdays. He says people come from Dallas to just attend her class. So, that got me and Kasi's attention so we're going to give her a shot tomorrow. It will be nice to get to go to an earlier class so I can get home earlier and spend more time with the fam.

My mom is coming to have lunch with me tomorrow at Potager- The Organic Place! I'm excited for her to try it. I've been twice now and just love it. I never leave feeling bloated or sorry that I'd eaten there! That's more than I can say for anywhere else.

I'm going to get my sorry butt on the scale in the morning and see what progress has been made.

Whoop, Whoop... I'm down 6 pounds!

Heck yeah! Hard work is paying off finally... slowly but surely. I've never been so happy to get closer to the 150's! I can't write much becuase I'm about to head to the gym with Glenda. Yes, on a Friday and I'm also going again tonight with Miss Kassie from my kids' daycare! I think she's going to join and that would make my heart super happy- as Kai Lan would say. That means she might be able to go to some Yoga classes with me! Yippee!

Also, big news. I am running a 5k in the morning! I'm nervous and scared but my only goal is to complete it no matter how slow I am. It's a start! It's supposed to rain in the morning but I think that'll make it more exciting!

Uh oh.. it's firedrill Friday so I better go. That means my boss just had something come up that I have to get done ASAP or we'll all die.

Set Backs and Starting Over

The best thing about dieting- and something to always remember- is that if you fall off the wagon, you can still get back on. You don't have to drown yourself in misery becuase you just blew everything by eating that cookie and now you'll always be fat and there is NO hope for you, etc, etc. No, no, no... I let myself cheat and I skip workouts but I do feel bad about that. What can I do about it? Make up for it and start over. Last week was really emotional for me and it made dieting and especially going to the gym that much harder! I slacked off towards the end of the week but I did go see my Primary Care doctor and got some Phentermine. He says this is only my "training wheels" for losing weight. He said that he won't let me take it too long and that I have to contribute my part by eating better and going to the gym. I can handle that... I just needed a little help.

Yesterday I saw a TMJ specialist and found out I do not need surgery. I just need a night guard and he's got me on a "soft" food diet. I'm taking Flexeril before bed and around the clock Ibuprophen. Last night I took the Flexeril and I tossed and turned and clinched my teeth like crazy. So far it's not doing much good. I see my dentist on Thursday to get my night guard though. Yesterday all I ate was a piece of whole wheat toast with natural peanut butter- and a slice of cheese. I went to the gym, did 200 crunches and ran on the treadmill for 16 minutes before my Yoga class. It was a good class, I felt strong and good. The only bad part was being able to see myself in the mirror. I look so gross.

Good news- I got on the scale this morning and I'm at 166. Still not good but the furter I get away from 170 the better. I'm screaming and running from 170! You are the only person I've told my true weight. Don't you feel special?

Today I had some yogurt for breakfast and then I took my Phentermine at 10am. I just had this HUGE starving food attack but I think it's passing. During the attack, I called my husband to see if he wants to go eat an organic lunch. So we'll do that in an hour or so. I don't feel guilty eating there becuase the food is So good for you and it's fresh and they serve small portions so you don't waste any food. I am exicted for Jeremiah to try it out too. Glenda is out today so no working out at lunch. It's not like I can't still go without her but I am so hungry that I could eat my desk. I'll make up for it by going to Yoga tonight- with a new teacher that I've never had! Scary! Exciting! Woooo!!

Sorry it took me so long to post again but it was hard to bring myself to get accountable here. I can't lie to you- that would defeat the purpose!

RRRRRRRRR!

OMG, I am so mad. I know that I just started my 2010 diet but I think I did very well last week, I busted my ass actually. Sure, not ALL of my meals were exactly healthy but still... So I get on the scale this morning and I'm up 3 pounds! WTF? I'm so mad that I feel like starving myself for a week. I just called to get in to see my doctor tomorrow about refilling my Phentermine. Sure, it makes me a real bitch but I'm already there. This just sucks so much and I feel like such a failure! My body fat percentage went down but to be honest, I'm more worried about the weight. I'm just so angry about it. I hate myself for letting it get this far!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I just hope my next entry will be more encouraging becuase right now I'm just full of self-loathing and negativeness.

Another Monday

It's almost 3 o'clock on another lovely Monday. The weekend went pretty good. The Cowboys won thier first playoff game in 13 years so that was awesome! Yes, I drank beer and watched the game! I went to Yoga on Saturday morning and it was a real good class. Very packed too. And I'm very happy to say that only one Yoga Bitch came and she sat in the corner and never said a word. You see, they only have power in packs. She had no one to act high and mighty with so she shut the hell up. Which is the way I like it. A nice girl with a cool tattoo on her foot was next to me and an old lady on the other side. Afterwards I got on the Eliptical for about 20 minutes and then went home and had a nice warm shower. It was like 17 degrees when I went to Yoga so I give myself kudos for going at all. It would be real easy to not go and blame the weather.

We went to walk around the mall since it was so cold and Haley wanted a bible really bad for some reason so I told her I'd get her one at the bookstore. We ate at a wing joint for lunch but I didn't eat near what I normally do. Cutting down on portions is a major thing too. Sunday was a very lazy day. After staying up and partying after the Cowboys game I was real tired and my husband actually had a hangover. It's the first time I've seen him down with a hangover like that. So he slept most of the day and I took a small nap and woke up just in time to see that my Yoga class has started 16 minutes earlier. Oh well, I missed one day. I went to the gym 8 times last week so I can't be too down on myself.

Today I went to the gym without Glenda and did the Stairmaster and the stationary bike. I plan on going to Yoga again tonight. It's a different teacher and she doesn't seem to have Yoga bitches that follow her around so it should be a peaceful class, with no crying.

I made it to Friday!

What a week! My entire body hurts. It hurts to reach for the phone and to bend down and zip up my daughter's jacket. Pain is weakness leaving the body though, right? If that is true, I'm full of weakness! I need to get that shit outta me! I went to the gym at lunch with Glenda. I was very melancholy but I did everything she told me to. I was lifting weights in front of the mirror and trying not to look at myself. It's hard to look at yourself being fat when you're trying so hard to change it. It's like you think since you are doing the right thing- you should automatically look better! I'm all about instant gratification but when it comes to losing weight, that's not gonna happen. You have to judge by the scale and how your clothes fit. My jeans were real tight this morning. Don't you hate it when you have to wash your favorite pair of jeans? Then when you put them on they are skin tight and you feel like a total fatass? That was me this morning. My thighs actually feel really hard (muscles) but it was super hard pulling up my pants. After about half a day of wearing them though, I'm pulling them up constantly. WTF?

Glenda isn't at work today so it's going to be real hard to drag my butt to the gym at lunch. I know I need to go and I do have a new book to take with me. It wouldn't kill me to get some Cardio done today. I still plan on going to Yoga in the morning even though I am just plain exhausted. Linda also teaches a class on Sunday's. I'll go to that one too I suppose. Enjoy your weekend and don't eat that cheeseburger!

Down in the Dumps

So I went to Yoga last night to see my favorite Yoga teacher, Linda. Of course, before she arrived the Yoga bitches were there waiting. They were all cute in thier Ugg boots ready to go! As soon as Linda walks up they bombard her with praise and other stupid crap that teacher's pets do. They never even looked my way. The class was good and actually I had forgot how hard it can be. I was sweating like a mad man! It felt good although I had a hard time keeping my mind from wandering. After the class ended, Linda told us all to turn to our neighbor and introduce ourselves. I was delighted! I love to meet people that enjoy the same things that I do. On my right was a large black man who never once looked anywhere near my direction. On the other side was a woman slightly older than me but she looked nice. Of course, she turns to her left and starts having this great conversation with her neighbor and they start swapping stories about how they got into Yoga and how long they've done it, etc. I sat there and felt the sting of tears weld up in my eyes. I was a social lepper. I could of been a fucking ghost in that room. I looked at myself in the mirror and after seeing how fat and gross I am, the tears spilled over. I quickly got my shoes back on and got the hell outta there. I'm not sure anyone knew I was crying... but what the hell did they care anyway? I'm a disease! I got to my car and just started sobbing. I've never felt so lonely in my life. Okay, I have but this was right on up there in the top ten. I texted my best friend on the way home (at a red light) and told her that I was so lonely and I miss her. She's in Chicago and misses me too, thank you very much. I wish so much that she lived here. Not that we'd see each other a lot and do Yoga together- but still. I went home and dined on a handful of Wheat Thins for dinner.

This morning I was so tired when I woke up, and very sore from all the weight lifting I'm doing. I've gone every day with Glenda (my co-worker/personal trainer) and I am sore from head to toe. I woke my daughter up and she did her usual morning crying... and more crying, and more crying. She's not a morning person just like her Momma. It's very annoying to listen to her cry for about 40 minutes until I get her to daycare. So I was annoyed and went to brew my coffee and saw that my stupid coffee cup lid wasn't staying on and I knew it would spill on me in the car. I looked in the cabinet and sure enough, my husband has been hoarding all of my coffee cups in his truck so there are NO clean ones to use. That was it for me... I freaked out! I was so angry that my husband is so damn inconsiderate! It's a small thing I know... but it's the small things that really matter to me. So it was a great morning fighting with my husband before work- and hearing him say "Well, you're ugly anyway". That was a nice touch and a boost for my non-existant self esteem. Welcome to my life guys!

I have just been down in the dumps all day long... and then I see that "Aunt Flo" has arrived and it all makes sense. No wonder I've been such a basketcase. Now I really want some Mexican Food. And you know what? I'm going to enduldge my damn self this evening. No fuss over making the kids dinner- we're going out! I'm not going to eat 5 enchiladas and two pounds of chips- but I'm going to enjoy myself all the same. I've gone to the gym 6 times since Monday so I think one meal like this won't hurt. Yes, I know it's thinking like that that got me here in the first place but right now I just don't give a damn. I worked hard at the gym earlier and didn't eat lunch so screw it.

Tomorrow is Friday so things will be better. A weekend is approaching us and Linda has another Yoga class at 10am on Saturday. I'm going to go, but I may punch a Yoga bitch while I'm there.

Day 3 and a very depressing morning

Sorry my first post was so abrupt.  I got interrupted at work, with work!  The nerve of some people!  Sheesh!  Anyway... Today is day 3 and not going too well so far.  Let me begin by saying that I've been to the gym three times this week.  I went at lunch on Monday, then to Yoga on Monday night.  I went again at lunch yesterday and ran a little over a mile and then rode the bike for 30 minutes.  I had planned to go again last night but when I realized that the kids needed food for dinner and for Tristen's school lunches I figured I wouldn't have time to make it to the gym.  I cooked a chicken breast in the ol' George Foreman grill and had some cranberry sauce and veggies to go with it.  I felt horrible for eating so much even though it was the first thing I'd eaten all day besides Tic Tacs.  Believe me when I tell you I have major guilt issues.  I will have to use them to my advantage though!  So I made myself feel like crap so I went in my bedroom and did some crunches and push ups.  I was only able to do 150 crunches and 40 push ups.  My damn stomach and boobs are too big to really "crunch" but I gave it a good try.  That got rid of *some* of the guilt.  Not all by any means and I've been beating it into my head since then that I am going to the gym twice today- no matter what.  It just so happens that it's Wednesday and my favorite Yoga teacher has a class tonight at 7.  I love Linda.  She's the best Yoga instructor ever.  The only problem I have about that class is the stuck-up teacher's pets that come to all of her classes.  I hate those Yoga bitches!  They have to be first in the room and have to be on the front row so they can show off for each other.  Perhaps I am just jealous becuase they are all tall, skinny and can put thier legs behind thier heads.  How more desireable can you get?  Deep down inside I guess I want to get in the same shape and be accepted into thier group.  But they still are stuck up bitches.

Anyway... I can go on and on about people that come to Yoga and take it WAY too seriously... the ones who think it's a fashion show as well as a competition.  Yoga is neither and I am able to ignore this for the most part when I settle into my own "zen" in class.  Why was this morning depressing?  Well, a scale was involved.  Yes, I meant to get on the scale Monday morning when I officially stared my 2010 diet but I forgot.  I tend to avoid that thing like the plague.  Anway... this morning I got up, brushed my teeth and got undressed for the shower and there it was.  It said " C'mon Shelly, you'll never be able to track your progress until you get your starting weight.  Dont' worry, if it's a high number that will only motivate you even more!".  So I did it.  I stepped on and looked straight ahead while it calculated my massiveness.  I was horrified to see the number 167.7 pop up as well as 36% body fat.  OMG!  I knew I'd put on a few at Christmas but this was horrid!  I was pretty much staying between 155-160 before but now I've pushed it too far.  My own husband weighs around 180 so to think that I'm only 10 pounds under him?  That is beyond unimaginable.  I have to do something and do it now.  I can imagine that if I had got on the scale on Monday before my 3 trips to the gym and all my non-eating that it probably would of said something like: 170.2.  I have NEVER in my life been this heavy, with the exception of when I was pregnant probably.  I refused to see my weight when I was pregnant.  No expecetant mom should do that.  What's the point?  You can't diet when you are pregnant.  Plus, I had 40 pounds of water retention with Haley.  Yes, I was that swollen so I don't even want to imagine what I was tipping the scale at.

So... in conclusion, I'm very depressed at my starting number.  It's horrible.  It's gross... I am only 5"3 and I'm probably adding an inch.  I must use this to my advantage like I said though.  You have to start somewhere and I'm not going to lose the weight in 2 days.  I'm thinking of doing the soup diet next week.  It's horrible but a good detox.  I decided to eat breakfast this morning too since Jillian Michaels says its the most importatn meal of the day.  Plus, I don't need my body going into that dreaded "starvation mode" and holding onto any fat.  Let it go!  It doesn't belong there anymore!  It's making you miserable!  Get it off!

I'm going to end this message with an inspirational (or absurd) quote from the infamous skinny bitch, Kate Moss.  It goes a little something like this: " Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  Damn that girl is right. 

Day 2 of the 2010 Diet

I'm writing this for myself... for me to read- or not to read. For me to be brutally honest with myself as I struggle like so many others to lose weight. I can write here what I often think inside but never tell anyone else. I probably keep these things to myself because I'm so self-loathing and don't want to freak anyone out. My self esteem is non-existent. Almost all parts of my life are in chaos. It's hard to look at the big picture and try to fix everything at once. It all boils down to me and what it would take for me to love myself again. I happen to think that's the most important and that all other aspects of my life will fall into place when that happens. I have battled my weight for the last 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought I was fat but only now looking back can I see how stupid I was before. I was 104 soaking wet when I graduated high school back in 1996. I thought I was huge. What I wouldn't give to have that body back again and I could just shake my old self for thinking that way.