Starting over, again.

So I have been off track for a while, a long while. It started with my trip to my GI doctor about my heartburn. I told him about the trouble my dad was having with polyps in his colon and since I have a similar history, he wanted me to have a repeat colonoscopy done in two weeks. I had one four years ago and three polyps removed, one pre-cancerous. I also mentioned my mother's issues with GURD and that her brother, my uncle, was in remission from Esophogal Cancer. So, lucky me- I got to have an Endoscopy too! I had all that done a week ago. In preperation for the procedures I had to quit taking all medication, especially my beloved diet pills. Today is my first day back on them. If you are interested in my results, yes, I had three more good sized polyps in my colon that were removed and sent to a lab. My doc was surprised I had those in the few years since my last colonoscopy so I have to have another one in a year. Yay me! Okay, enough about my colon.

The day after my procedure, it snowed like freaking crazy in Texas. We got the most snow of my lifetime, a record setting 12-13 inches! It was great and I had so much fun playing with the kids in that. I also used this as an excuse to not go to the gym. That's a good one, right? So I vowed that this week I would get back on track! On Monday we had to take my son in for lab work due to his ADHD meds so I worked through lunch and had a helluva day and did not work out that night. Bad me. Yesterday I went to my doctor's office on my lunch break and had my thyroid tested. A part of me REALLY wants to have a jacked up thyroid. It would explain the weight gain and how freaking hard it is to get it OFF! I mean, I think I really dedicate myself and try so hard for such minimal results. I also need to remind myself that I eat like a pig. Still, I don't think I eat enough to be as fat as I am. It's really disturbing but summer is rapidly approaching and the though of a swim suit makes me ill. I have been fat now for 7 years and I have really had it! I'm considering trying out Nutrisystem or Jenny Craig. My problem is eating... I'm addicted. I even bought this nice book called "Skinny Thinking" to see I could get to the bottom of my eating issues but I can't get through it. Any self help book just makes me tired and bored. I cannot for the life of me read one. I love to read, I'm constantly reading but it has to be fiction or a biography or something. Side note: I'm considering writing my first novel!

So... I had this dream last night that I was running away with a hot guy from high school. I was doing it rigth in front of my husband and I was really scared of him but I didn't care, I just wanted to be in love again. I saw my dead father in law in my dream and I asked him if he had any regrets about getting a divorce from his wife and he said "I have no regrets" and then I asked him if he'd take care of Jeremiah and he said he would. Craziness, huh? Deep thoughts! In my messed up head, I do not feel that I deserve any kind of love becuase I am fat. In my head, I will only achieve love and happiness when I am skinny again. You'd think that would be enough motivation for me to lose weight but instead I fail at my diet and then persecute myself over and over. It's an endless cycle. This is my life and it sucks right now. If I really wanted to get to the bottom of my eating issues, I would say its because I'm deeply unhappy with myself and my marriage. But what to do to fix that? I've left my husband twice now and the thought of doing it again is emotionally exhausting. I harbor too much guilt from my parents divorce to do it myself. I feel sorry for my husband becuase he has no one. It's another endless cycle... I stay in this marriage and I'm so sad and lonely but I won't do anything to make myself happy. I saw a great therapist once that said I just have to pick up my own life and do whatever makes me happy whether it makes my husband happy or not. He said if I get my life together and start moving forward my husband will have no choice but to join me or fall away. It's good advice, I just need to take it.