I made it to Friday!

What a week! My entire body hurts. It hurts to reach for the phone and to bend down and zip up my daughter's jacket. Pain is weakness leaving the body though, right? If that is true, I'm full of weakness! I need to get that shit outta me! I went to the gym at lunch with Glenda. I was very melancholy but I did everything she told me to. I was lifting weights in front of the mirror and trying not to look at myself. It's hard to look at yourself being fat when you're trying so hard to change it. It's like you think since you are doing the right thing- you should automatically look better! I'm all about instant gratification but when it comes to losing weight, that's not gonna happen. You have to judge by the scale and how your clothes fit. My jeans were real tight this morning. Don't you hate it when you have to wash your favorite pair of jeans? Then when you put them on they are skin tight and you feel like a total fatass? That was me this morning. My thighs actually feel really hard (muscles) but it was super hard pulling up my pants. After about half a day of wearing them though, I'm pulling them up constantly. WTF?

Glenda isn't at work today so it's going to be real hard to drag my butt to the gym at lunch. I know I need to go and I do have a new book to take with me. It wouldn't kill me to get some Cardio done today. I still plan on going to Yoga in the morning even though I am just plain exhausted. Linda also teaches a class on Sunday's. I'll go to that one too I suppose. Enjoy your weekend and don't eat that cheeseburger!

Down in the Dumps

So I went to Yoga last night to see my favorite Yoga teacher, Linda. Of course, before she arrived the Yoga bitches were there waiting. They were all cute in thier Ugg boots ready to go! As soon as Linda walks up they bombard her with praise and other stupid crap that teacher's pets do. They never even looked my way. The class was good and actually I had forgot how hard it can be. I was sweating like a mad man! It felt good although I had a hard time keeping my mind from wandering. After the class ended, Linda told us all to turn to our neighbor and introduce ourselves. I was delighted! I love to meet people that enjoy the same things that I do. On my right was a large black man who never once looked anywhere near my direction. On the other side was a woman slightly older than me but she looked nice. Of course, she turns to her left and starts having this great conversation with her neighbor and they start swapping stories about how they got into Yoga and how long they've done it, etc. I sat there and felt the sting of tears weld up in my eyes. I was a social lepper. I could of been a fucking ghost in that room. I looked at myself in the mirror and after seeing how fat and gross I am, the tears spilled over. I quickly got my shoes back on and got the hell outta there. I'm not sure anyone knew I was crying... but what the hell did they care anyway? I'm a disease! I got to my car and just started sobbing. I've never felt so lonely in my life. Okay, I have but this was right on up there in the top ten. I texted my best friend on the way home (at a red light) and told her that I was so lonely and I miss her. She's in Chicago and misses me too, thank you very much. I wish so much that she lived here. Not that we'd see each other a lot and do Yoga together- but still. I went home and dined on a handful of Wheat Thins for dinner.

This morning I was so tired when I woke up, and very sore from all the weight lifting I'm doing. I've gone every day with Glenda (my co-worker/personal trainer) and I am sore from head to toe. I woke my daughter up and she did her usual morning crying... and more crying, and more crying. She's not a morning person just like her Momma. It's very annoying to listen to her cry for about 40 minutes until I get her to daycare. So I was annoyed and went to brew my coffee and saw that my stupid coffee cup lid wasn't staying on and I knew it would spill on me in the car. I looked in the cabinet and sure enough, my husband has been hoarding all of my coffee cups in his truck so there are NO clean ones to use. That was it for me... I freaked out! I was so angry that my husband is so damn inconsiderate! It's a small thing I know... but it's the small things that really matter to me. So it was a great morning fighting with my husband before work- and hearing him say "Well, you're ugly anyway". That was a nice touch and a boost for my non-existant self esteem. Welcome to my life guys!

I have just been down in the dumps all day long... and then I see that "Aunt Flo" has arrived and it all makes sense. No wonder I've been such a basketcase. Now I really want some Mexican Food. And you know what? I'm going to enduldge my damn self this evening. No fuss over making the kids dinner- we're going out! I'm not going to eat 5 enchiladas and two pounds of chips- but I'm going to enjoy myself all the same. I've gone to the gym 6 times since Monday so I think one meal like this won't hurt. Yes, I know it's thinking like that that got me here in the first place but right now I just don't give a damn. I worked hard at the gym earlier and didn't eat lunch so screw it.

Tomorrow is Friday so things will be better. A weekend is approaching us and Linda has another Yoga class at 10am on Saturday. I'm going to go, but I may punch a Yoga bitch while I'm there.

Day 3 and a very depressing morning

Sorry my first post was so abrupt.  I got interrupted at work, with work!  The nerve of some people!  Sheesh!  Anyway... Today is day 3 and not going too well so far.  Let me begin by saying that I've been to the gym three times this week.  I went at lunch on Monday, then to Yoga on Monday night.  I went again at lunch yesterday and ran a little over a mile and then rode the bike for 30 minutes.  I had planned to go again last night but when I realized that the kids needed food for dinner and for Tristen's school lunches I figured I wouldn't have time to make it to the gym.  I cooked a chicken breast in the ol' George Foreman grill and had some cranberry sauce and veggies to go with it.  I felt horrible for eating so much even though it was the first thing I'd eaten all day besides Tic Tacs.  Believe me when I tell you I have major guilt issues.  I will have to use them to my advantage though!  So I made myself feel like crap so I went in my bedroom and did some crunches and push ups.  I was only able to do 150 crunches and 40 push ups.  My damn stomach and boobs are too big to really "crunch" but I gave it a good try.  That got rid of *some* of the guilt.  Not all by any means and I've been beating it into my head since then that I am going to the gym twice today- no matter what.  It just so happens that it's Wednesday and my favorite Yoga teacher has a class tonight at 7.  I love Linda.  She's the best Yoga instructor ever.  The only problem I have about that class is the stuck-up teacher's pets that come to all of her classes.  I hate those Yoga bitches!  They have to be first in the room and have to be on the front row so they can show off for each other.  Perhaps I am just jealous becuase they are all tall, skinny and can put thier legs behind thier heads.  How more desireable can you get?  Deep down inside I guess I want to get in the same shape and be accepted into thier group.  But they still are stuck up bitches.

Anyway... I can go on and on about people that come to Yoga and take it WAY too seriously... the ones who think it's a fashion show as well as a competition.  Yoga is neither and I am able to ignore this for the most part when I settle into my own "zen" in class.  Why was this morning depressing?  Well, a scale was involved.  Yes, I meant to get on the scale Monday morning when I officially stared my 2010 diet but I forgot.  I tend to avoid that thing like the plague.  Anway... this morning I got up, brushed my teeth and got undressed for the shower and there it was.  It said " C'mon Shelly, you'll never be able to track your progress until you get your starting weight.  Dont' worry, if it's a high number that will only motivate you even more!".  So I did it.  I stepped on and looked straight ahead while it calculated my massiveness.  I was horrified to see the number 167.7 pop up as well as 36% body fat.  OMG!  I knew I'd put on a few at Christmas but this was horrid!  I was pretty much staying between 155-160 before but now I've pushed it too far.  My own husband weighs around 180 so to think that I'm only 10 pounds under him?  That is beyond unimaginable.  I have to do something and do it now.  I can imagine that if I had got on the scale on Monday before my 3 trips to the gym and all my non-eating that it probably would of said something like: 170.2.  I have NEVER in my life been this heavy, with the exception of when I was pregnant probably.  I refused to see my weight when I was pregnant.  No expecetant mom should do that.  What's the point?  You can't diet when you are pregnant.  Plus, I had 40 pounds of water retention with Haley.  Yes, I was that swollen so I don't even want to imagine what I was tipping the scale at.

So... in conclusion, I'm very depressed at my starting number.  It's horrible.  It's gross... I am only 5"3 and I'm probably adding an inch.  I must use this to my advantage like I said though.  You have to start somewhere and I'm not going to lose the weight in 2 days.  I'm thinking of doing the soup diet next week.  It's horrible but a good detox.  I decided to eat breakfast this morning too since Jillian Michaels says its the most importatn meal of the day.  Plus, I don't need my body going into that dreaded "starvation mode" and holding onto any fat.  Let it go!  It doesn't belong there anymore!  It's making you miserable!  Get it off!

I'm going to end this message with an inspirational (or absurd) quote from the infamous skinny bitch, Kate Moss.  It goes a little something like this: " Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  Damn that girl is right. 

Day 2 of the 2010 Diet

I'm writing this for myself... for me to read- or not to read. For me to be brutally honest with myself as I struggle like so many others to lose weight. I can write here what I often think inside but never tell anyone else. I probably keep these things to myself because I'm so self-loathing and don't want to freak anyone out. My self esteem is non-existent. Almost all parts of my life are in chaos. It's hard to look at the big picture and try to fix everything at once. It all boils down to me and what it would take for me to love myself again. I happen to think that's the most important and that all other aspects of my life will fall into place when that happens. I have battled my weight for the last 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought I was fat but only now looking back can I see how stupid I was before. I was 104 soaking wet when I graduated high school back in 1996. I thought I was huge. What I wouldn't give to have that body back again and I could just shake my old self for thinking that way.