On Track

I'm happy to report that I'm on track. Something has clicked in my brain and I've made some changes. It probably started when my BF told me she has lost weight and is in her 120's now. We were always the same weight growing up and knowing that I have a good 40 pounds on her makes me sick. She told me this Friday and instead of going home and eating myself into oblivion, I went to the gym and did some hard core cardio. It felt great. I woke up and did an hour of Yoga at the gym the next day followed by another hour of cardio. I'm eating only about 1/4 or less of what I was eating. It's probably not healthy to starve yourself, but I'm almost back on the 150's so I'm not stopping. I told my husband that my goal is to become anorexic. Yes, I'm being sarcastic but what I really mean is that food is not #1 anymore. Food is my mortal enemy. Food is what got me in the shape I'm in today and I will NO longer let it rule my life. With a little help from my diet pills, I'm eating so much less and making sure that I am in the gym for at least an hour every day. Sunday will be my day off-but portion control will still be present. Next time I write in this blog, I'll be at least 159 and dropping. I'm in charge now! My BF will be here to visit in one month, by then my goal is to drop 10 pounds. That's reasonable and I know I can do it!

Starting over, again.

So I have been off track for a while, a long while. It started with my trip to my GI doctor about my heartburn. I told him about the trouble my dad was having with polyps in his colon and since I have a similar history, he wanted me to have a repeat colonoscopy done in two weeks. I had one four years ago and three polyps removed, one pre-cancerous. I also mentioned my mother's issues with GURD and that her brother, my uncle, was in remission from Esophogal Cancer. So, lucky me- I got to have an Endoscopy too! I had all that done a week ago. In preperation for the procedures I had to quit taking all medication, especially my beloved diet pills. Today is my first day back on them. If you are interested in my results, yes, I had three more good sized polyps in my colon that were removed and sent to a lab. My doc was surprised I had those in the few years since my last colonoscopy so I have to have another one in a year. Yay me! Okay, enough about my colon.

The day after my procedure, it snowed like freaking crazy in Texas. We got the most snow of my lifetime, a record setting 12-13 inches! It was great and I had so much fun playing with the kids in that. I also used this as an excuse to not go to the gym. That's a good one, right? So I vowed that this week I would get back on track! On Monday we had to take my son in for lab work due to his ADHD meds so I worked through lunch and had a helluva day and did not work out that night. Bad me. Yesterday I went to my doctor's office on my lunch break and had my thyroid tested. A part of me REALLY wants to have a jacked up thyroid. It would explain the weight gain and how freaking hard it is to get it OFF! I mean, I think I really dedicate myself and try so hard for such minimal results. I also need to remind myself that I eat like a pig. Still, I don't think I eat enough to be as fat as I am. It's really disturbing but summer is rapidly approaching and the though of a swim suit makes me ill. I have been fat now for 7 years and I have really had it! I'm considering trying out Nutrisystem or Jenny Craig. My problem is eating... I'm addicted. I even bought this nice book called "Skinny Thinking" to see I could get to the bottom of my eating issues but I can't get through it. Any self help book just makes me tired and bored. I cannot for the life of me read one. I love to read, I'm constantly reading but it has to be fiction or a biography or something. Side note: I'm considering writing my first novel!

So... I had this dream last night that I was running away with a hot guy from high school. I was doing it rigth in front of my husband and I was really scared of him but I didn't care, I just wanted to be in love again. I saw my dead father in law in my dream and I asked him if he had any regrets about getting a divorce from his wife and he said "I have no regrets" and then I asked him if he'd take care of Jeremiah and he said he would. Craziness, huh? Deep thoughts! In my messed up head, I do not feel that I deserve any kind of love becuase I am fat. In my head, I will only achieve love and happiness when I am skinny again. You'd think that would be enough motivation for me to lose weight but instead I fail at my diet and then persecute myself over and over. It's an endless cycle. This is my life and it sucks right now. If I really wanted to get to the bottom of my eating issues, I would say its because I'm deeply unhappy with myself and my marriage. But what to do to fix that? I've left my husband twice now and the thought of doing it again is emotionally exhausting. I harbor too much guilt from my parents divorce to do it myself. I feel sorry for my husband becuase he has no one. It's another endless cycle... I stay in this marriage and I'm so sad and lonely but I won't do anything to make myself happy. I saw a great therapist once that said I just have to pick up my own life and do whatever makes me happy whether it makes my husband happy or not. He said if I get my life together and start moving forward my husband will have no choice but to join me or fall away. It's good advice, I just need to take it.

Today is Tuesday but it's my Monday.

I stayed home yesterday with my little girl- who has a cold. I did go to Yoga last night though. I convinced Kasi to re-join my gym so she went with me! I'm super excited to have a Yoga buddy now. We went and worked out Friday too and then Saturday I got up and did my 5k! I am really proud of myself. I did it in less than 40 minutes! That's good for someone like me,and becuase I haven't done a 5k in a long, long time. I felt so great afterwards! As the day went on, I started feeling like crap. I've been pretty tired ever since but I don't regret it a bit.

Tomorrow Jeremiah is picking up the kids so I can go straight from work to a 6pm Yoga Class. The guy at the gym on Friday night was telling us how freaking awesome the teacher is that comes in on Wednesdays. He says people come from Dallas to just attend her class. So, that got me and Kasi's attention so we're going to give her a shot tomorrow. It will be nice to get to go to an earlier class so I can get home earlier and spend more time with the fam.

My mom is coming to have lunch with me tomorrow at Potager- The Organic Place! I'm excited for her to try it. I've been twice now and just love it. I never leave feeling bloated or sorry that I'd eaten there! That's more than I can say for anywhere else.

I'm going to get my sorry butt on the scale in the morning and see what progress has been made.

Whoop, Whoop... I'm down 6 pounds!

Heck yeah! Hard work is paying off finally... slowly but surely. I've never been so happy to get closer to the 150's! I can't write much becuase I'm about to head to the gym with Glenda. Yes, on a Friday and I'm also going again tonight with Miss Kassie from my kids' daycare! I think she's going to join and that would make my heart super happy- as Kai Lan would say. That means she might be able to go to some Yoga classes with me! Yippee!

Also, big news. I am running a 5k in the morning! I'm nervous and scared but my only goal is to complete it no matter how slow I am. It's a start! It's supposed to rain in the morning but I think that'll make it more exciting!

Uh oh.. it's firedrill Friday so I better go. That means my boss just had something come up that I have to get done ASAP or we'll all die.

Set Backs and Starting Over

The best thing about dieting- and something to always remember- is that if you fall off the wagon, you can still get back on. You don't have to drown yourself in misery becuase you just blew everything by eating that cookie and now you'll always be fat and there is NO hope for you, etc, etc. No, no, no... I let myself cheat and I skip workouts but I do feel bad about that. What can I do about it? Make up for it and start over. Last week was really emotional for me and it made dieting and especially going to the gym that much harder! I slacked off towards the end of the week but I did go see my Primary Care doctor and got some Phentermine. He says this is only my "training wheels" for losing weight. He said that he won't let me take it too long and that I have to contribute my part by eating better and going to the gym. I can handle that... I just needed a little help.

Yesterday I saw a TMJ specialist and found out I do not need surgery. I just need a night guard and he's got me on a "soft" food diet. I'm taking Flexeril before bed and around the clock Ibuprophen. Last night I took the Flexeril and I tossed and turned and clinched my teeth like crazy. So far it's not doing much good. I see my dentist on Thursday to get my night guard though. Yesterday all I ate was a piece of whole wheat toast with natural peanut butter- and a slice of cheese. I went to the gym, did 200 crunches and ran on the treadmill for 16 minutes before my Yoga class. It was a good class, I felt strong and good. The only bad part was being able to see myself in the mirror. I look so gross.

Good news- I got on the scale this morning and I'm at 166. Still not good but the furter I get away from 170 the better. I'm screaming and running from 170! You are the only person I've told my true weight. Don't you feel special?

Today I had some yogurt for breakfast and then I took my Phentermine at 10am. I just had this HUGE starving food attack but I think it's passing. During the attack, I called my husband to see if he wants to go eat an organic lunch. So we'll do that in an hour or so. I don't feel guilty eating there becuase the food is So good for you and it's fresh and they serve small portions so you don't waste any food. I am exicted for Jeremiah to try it out too. Glenda is out today so no working out at lunch. It's not like I can't still go without her but I am so hungry that I could eat my desk. I'll make up for it by going to Yoga tonight- with a new teacher that I've never had! Scary! Exciting! Woooo!!

Sorry it took me so long to post again but it was hard to bring myself to get accountable here. I can't lie to you- that would defeat the purpose!

RRRRRRRRR!

OMG, I am so mad. I know that I just started my 2010 diet but I think I did very well last week, I busted my ass actually. Sure, not ALL of my meals were exactly healthy but still... So I get on the scale this morning and I'm up 3 pounds! WTF? I'm so mad that I feel like starving myself for a week. I just called to get in to see my doctor tomorrow about refilling my Phentermine. Sure, it makes me a real bitch but I'm already there. This just sucks so much and I feel like such a failure! My body fat percentage went down but to be honest, I'm more worried about the weight. I'm just so angry about it. I hate myself for letting it get this far!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! I just hope my next entry will be more encouraging becuase right now I'm just full of self-loathing and negativeness.

Another Monday

It's almost 3 o'clock on another lovely Monday. The weekend went pretty good. The Cowboys won thier first playoff game in 13 years so that was awesome! Yes, I drank beer and watched the game! I went to Yoga on Saturday morning and it was a real good class. Very packed too. And I'm very happy to say that only one Yoga Bitch came and she sat in the corner and never said a word. You see, they only have power in packs. She had no one to act high and mighty with so she shut the hell up. Which is the way I like it. A nice girl with a cool tattoo on her foot was next to me and an old lady on the other side. Afterwards I got on the Eliptical for about 20 minutes and then went home and had a nice warm shower. It was like 17 degrees when I went to Yoga so I give myself kudos for going at all. It would be real easy to not go and blame the weather.

We went to walk around the mall since it was so cold and Haley wanted a bible really bad for some reason so I told her I'd get her one at the bookstore. We ate at a wing joint for lunch but I didn't eat near what I normally do. Cutting down on portions is a major thing too. Sunday was a very lazy day. After staying up and partying after the Cowboys game I was real tired and my husband actually had a hangover. It's the first time I've seen him down with a hangover like that. So he slept most of the day and I took a small nap and woke up just in time to see that my Yoga class has started 16 minutes earlier. Oh well, I missed one day. I went to the gym 8 times last week so I can't be too down on myself.

Today I went to the gym without Glenda and did the Stairmaster and the stationary bike. I plan on going to Yoga again tonight. It's a different teacher and she doesn't seem to have Yoga bitches that follow her around so it should be a peaceful class, with no crying.